Preface

According to the National Institute of Mental Health or NIMH, there are 5.7 million people in America who are afflicted with Manic and Depressive Illness, or Bipolar Disorder as it later came to be known. If you are one of them, this book is for you, your family, and your friends who long to see you living a life in full remission.

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I hope that you will read “Tell Them About Me” with hope in your heart, and that you appreciate its candor and honesty. While I do use my life as an example of how full remission is possible, what you’re really reading is a Christian testimony of the many ways in which Jesus can show just how far His love, grace and mercy will go. It’s all so immeasurable.

The ‘Me’ in Tell Them About Me, is Him. It’s Jesus, and the testimony I share begins with the reflection on my life with the Affective Mood Disorder, Manic-Depressive Illness, or Bipolar Disorder as it later came to be known. It continues with Him meeting me in my darkest hour, and it ends with a profound joy and gratitude for His love beyond comprehension.

As hard as it may be to believe, I have done more with my life as a result of living with this condition than I ever could have without it. I refused to give up. That indeed, is solely by the grace of God. My drive and determination are the direct result of a struggle that ultimately led to a closer walk with Christ. 

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On this walk, He directed my footsteps spiritually, personally and musically. All of the difficulties endured have revealed themselves in the gift of music, music that was designed by God. Be it Sacred or Secular, the Holy Spirit is at the center of everything I sing and write. 

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I would liken my life with Bipolar Disorder to the Latin, Catholic phrase Felix Culpa, or ‘blessed fall.’ In truth, I have fallen many times. The deeper truth however, is that Jesus used my falls to bless not only me, but also those whom my story and testimony would one day help. He used my falls to show me that I can do nothing without Him. Simply put, mine is a beautiful resurrection story. It is the story of a deeper conversion to the Catholic faith. Remember this when you read difficult passages.                                         

                       

Twenty years ago when I began writing it, this book was solely about life’s struggles with this debilitating disease. I wrote page after page that would chronicle a tremendous battle, the life I tried to live in between set backs, and a profound desperation to hold on to the faith that the disease eroded for years. 

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After months of writing and crying, I came to the conclusion that I had to put the book down for a while. Not only did I need a mental break from reliving a lot of pain, I strongly felt that I needed to live out the next few chapters of a life that had yet to experience the supernatural, healing power of God. 

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So I put the book down for years, fully believing that the worst was behind me, and that the next chapters would be filled with triumph and victory. For a while, they were.

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To tell you the truth, I received victory as a lucky infant when baptized into the Catholic Church, victory in Jesus! Unfortunately, a tremendous amount of pain evolved before I was able to put Him first. Sometimes you cannot find Him until you are driven to your knees. Of course I had Him in my mind before, but it took thirty years of pain to truly put Him first in my heart everyday. 

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Often times, religious groups believed an illness like this was not in need of medical attention at all. They believed it was something sent by the devil. Others went so far as to say that I was not bipolar, I just needed to grow up. It was infuriating and heartbreaking at the same time. 

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We all want to fit in and be accepted and understood, I know I did. Yet for so long, it seemed everywhere I turned there was someone to diminish the gravity of the condition, and the need for medication. In the process, they devalued me, until I devalued myself.

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So many just could not see its benefits, but without medication, life would be filled with agony and fear on a daily basis. Yes, God can heal a person completely with no more need for medical treatment. There are tireless examples of this in the Bible. In my case however, He had something very different and specific in mind, something that made for a powerful testimony. I was being healed spiritually, learning to trust and praise God, even while living with a chronic illness that does indeed require medication.

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I was frequently called weak for taking it. In fact, I was harassed by several groups of people in my life years ago who tried over and over again to take me off of it. It was incredibly painful and as a result, I isolated for years. There were very few people I could turn to, especially about this condition. If not for the incredible support of two lifelong friends and a supportive family, I would have ended up homeless or worse.

 

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Throughout this book, you will still read about struggle, but there is so much more. As I began to experience God’s healing power, I began to write more of His immeasurable grace, and the gift of music which brings me closer to Him. It’s not mine, it’s His. I’m just the steward who tries relentlessly to give it back to Him every day.

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I’ve endured Bipolar Disorder my entire adult life, but I hope that after reading this book, that will not be the only thing you will take away with you. I hope that you learn to take Him with you, Jesus! I also hope that if you’ve ever doubted the need to medicate Bipolar Disorder, you will come to terms with what a blessing it is that we have such help. It would otherwise be a debilitating disease.

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God makes no mistakes. I am ‘fearfully and wonderfully made’  (Psalm 139) and God has led me down this difficult road for a reason. He knew the testimony I would one day be overjoyed to share. I was chosen, and so are you. If you are reading this, I hope that you will soon come to realize that you too can have a powerful testimony.

A ‘blessed fall’ can bring you to an upright walk with Christ. Mine brought me to a blessed and supernatural experience with Him when I fell to rock bottom. If you’d like proof that miracles, grace and mercy do exist, keep reading. I took Jesus seriously when He said, Tell Them About Me! 

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Chapter 1 Living with Manic Depressive Illness

“I have often asked myself whether, given the choice, I would choose to have manic-depressive illness. If lithium were not available to me, or didn’t work for me, the answer would be a simple no - and it would be an answer laced with terror. But lithium does work for me, and therefore I can afford to pose the question. Strangely enough, I think I would choose to have it. It’s complicated…I honestly believe that as a result of it I have felt more things, more deeply; had more experiences, more intensely; loved more, and have been more loved, laughed more often for having cried more often, appreciated more the springs, for all the winters…Depressed, I have crawled on my hands and knees in order to get across a room and have done it for month after month. But normal or manic I have run faster, thought faster, and loved faster than most I know.”(1) 

                                                                                                                                              —— Kay Redfield Jamison

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Professor of psychiatry and author, Kay Redfield Jamison, beautifully answers a deeply personal question. The truth is, Manic-Depressive Illness has indeed brought with it not only difficulties, but also many blessings, if you can believe that.

Well after all, isn’t that how God works? He makes beautiful music out of a nasty mess, and Bipolar Disorder, as it later came to be known, was a nasty mess for years. It was an absolute hellacious journey, on which it often appeared that God was not listening. It appeared as though the desperate prayers of a suffering soul were going unattended. 

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He was listening, however. The disease was a liar, among so many other maddening things that made for that nasty mess. 

Bipolar Disorder is relentless, inducing fear, self-doubt and self-loathing. It whittled away at a once rich faith life and tried hard to separate the close, ethnic family that I belonged to, and whom became caregivers through tumultuous highs and lows that made caring for me so, so tough. 

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They never left and they never kicked me out, no matter how the difficulties escalated with screaming, yelling at one another and slamming doors to get away from heated arguments. Despite it all, they wanted to see me overcome and achieve dreams, but the disease lied about that too, telling me they wanted to see my demise, which caused much of the above.

Those intrusive thoughts caused mistrust that had me wanting to run away forever. Something made me stay, however. God was at work even when I didn’t believe it. Staying and the desire to overcome, were all an example of God's presence. He never left either, as I would one day again believe.